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Deluded => Reality
"accepting the problem"
"admitting powerlessness", “I give up!” , “I need help!”, “I can’t do this by myself any more!"
It takes time and often a lot of pain to admit that I am defeated.
I admit that my life isn’t working with me in control, I embrace my powerlessness and stop pretending (illusion of control).
This step will stop me – it puts a halt to my own efforts and gives me permission to quit.
My life became roller-coaster ride -> up and down.
My behavior caused me nothing but stress and pain.
I finally admit defeat and recognize that I need help. Surrender requires great mental and emotional energy as well as determination.
The first step in seeking help is to admit to the problem.
I admit that my life isn’t working with me in control, I embrace my powerlessness and stop pretending (illusion of control).
This step will stop me – it puts a halt to my own efforts and gives me permission to quit.
My life became roller-coaster ride -> up and down.
My behavior caused me nothing but stress and pain.
Normal responses to severe inner struggles: confusion, drowsiness, sadness, sleeplessness, turmoil (process of healing, fixing).
I finally admit defeat and recognize that I need help. Surrender requires great mental and emotional energy as well as determination.
I admit that I have obsessive traits. These traits appear in the way I try to manipulate the affairs of my life to ease the inner pain that results from struggles.
I am in the grip of an addictive process that has rendered me powerless over my behavior.
I admit that my life has been, and will continue to be, unmanageable if I insist on living by my own will.
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When we admit our powerlessness and the inability to manage our own lives, we open the door to recovery.
No one could convince us that we were addicts. It is an admission that we had to make for ourselves.
Powerlessness means sexual acting-out against our will. If we can't stop, how can we tell ourselves we are in control?
The inability to stop acting-out, even with the greatest willpower and the most sincere desire, is what we mean when we say, "We have absolutely no choice". However, we do have a choice after we eliminate all the things we have been telling ourselves to justify our compulsive sexual behaviors.
We didn't stumble into this fellowship brimming with love, honesty, open-mindedness or willingness. We reached the point where we could no longer continue because of physical, mental, and spiritual pain. When we were beaten, we became willing.
Our inability to control our behaviors is a symptom of the disease of addiction. We need to admit this in order to recover. Addiction is a physical, mental and spiritual disease, affecting every area of our lives.
The physical aspect of our disease is the compulsive sexual acting-out.
The mental aspect of our disease is the obsession, or overpowering desire, which leads us to acting-out even when it has destroyed our lives.
The spiritual part of our disease is our total self-centeredness. We felt that we could stop whenever we wanted to, despite all evidence to the contrary.
Denial, substitution, rationalization, justification, distrust of others, guilt, embarrassment, dereliction, degradation, isolation, and loss of control are all results of our disease.
Our disease is progressive, incurable and fatal. Most of us are relieved to find out we have a disease instead of a moral deficiency.
We are not responsible for our disease, but we are responsible for our recovery. Most of us tried to stop acting-out on our own, but we were unable to live without our obsessions.
Eventually we realized that we were powerless over our addiction.
Many of us tried to stop using on sheer willpower, and this turned out to be a temporary solution.
We saw that willpower alone would not work for any length of time.
Everything we tried, failed.
Until we let go of all our reservations, the foundation on which our recovery is based is in danger. Reservations, no matter what they are, rob us of obtaining all the benefits this program has to offer. In ridding ourselves of all reservations, we surrender. Then, and only then, can we be helped to recover from the disease of addiction.
Now, the question is: "If we are powerless, how can the Fellowship help?"
We begin by asking for help, and this is accomplished by working the Twelve Steps.
The foundation is the admission that we, of ourselves, have no power over addiction. When we can accept this, we have completed the first part of Step One.
We have found that we had no choice except to completely change our old ways of thinking or go back to compulsive sexual behaviors. When we give our best, it works for us as it has worked for others. When we could no longer stand our old ways, we began to change. From that point forward, we can see that every sober day is a successful day, no matter what happens.
Surrender means not having to fight anymore. We accept our addiction and life the way it is.
We become willing to do whatever is necessary to stay sober, even the things we don't like doing.
Help for addicts begins only when we are able to admit complete defeat. This can be frightening, but it is the foundation on which we have built our lives.
It took a while for some of us to realize how unmanageable our lives had become; for others of us, this was the only thing of which we could be sure.
Being sober and working this step, we are released from our chains. However, none of the steps work by magic. We do not just say the words of this step; we learn to live them. We see for ourselves that the Program has something to offer us.
We have found hope. We can find meaning and purpose in life and be rescued from insanity, depravity and death.
When we admit our powerlessness and inability to manage our own lives, we open the door for a Power greater than ourselves to help us. It is not where we were that counts, but where we are going
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Many of us felt inadequate, unworthy, alone and afraid. Our insides never matched what we saw on the outsides of others. Early on, we came to feel disconnected - from parents, from peers, from ourselves. We tuned out with fantasy and self gratification. We plugged in by drinking in the pictures, the images and pursuing the objects of our fantasies. We lusted and wanted to be lusted after.
We became true addicts: sex with self, promiscuity, adultery, dependency relationships and more fantasy.
We got it through the eyes; we bought it we sold it, we traded it, we gave it away.
We were addicted to the intrigue, the tease, the forbidden. The only way we knew to be free of it was to do it, "Please connect with me and make me whole!", we cried with outstretched arms. Lusting after the Big Fix, we gave away our power to others.
This produced guilt, self-hatred, remorse, emptiness and pain.
We were driven ever inward, away from reality, away from love, lost inside ourselves.
Our habit made true intimacy impossible. We could never know real union with another because we were addicted to the unreal.
We went for the "chemistry", the connection that had the magic, because it bypassed intimacy and true union.
Fantasy corrupted the real; lust killed love.
Many of us felt inadequate, unworthy, alone, and afraid. Our insides never matched what we saw on the outsides of others.
Early on, we came to feel disconnected — from parents, from peers, from ourselves. We turned out with fantasy and masturbation. We plugged in by drinking in the pictures, the images, and pursuing the objects of our fantasies. We lusted and wanted to be lusted after.
We became true addicts: sex with self, promiscuity, adultery, dependency relationships, and more fantasy. We got it through the eyes; we bought it, we sold it, we traded it, we gave it away. We were addicted to the intrigue, the tease, the forbidden. The only way we knew to be free of it was to do it. “Please connect with me and make me whole!” we cried with outstretched arms. Lusting after the Big Fix, we gave away our power to others.
This produced guilt, self-hatred, remorse, emptiness, and pain, and we were driven ever inward, away from reality, away from love, lost inside ourselves.
Our habit made true intimacy impossible. We could never know real union with another because we were addicted to the unreal. We went for the “chemistry,” the connection that had the magic, because it by-passed intimacy and true union. Fantasy corrupted the real; lust killed love.
First addicts, then love cripples, we took from others to fill up what was lacking in ourselves. Conning ourselves time and again that the next one would save us, we were really losing our lives.
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...We start talking honestly about ourselves; first what we’ve done and thought in the lust, sex, and relationship area. Then, gradually, as more is revealed, we talk about our other defects. Typically, these are revealed progressively over time. It’s as though we can’t see the full extent of the power our [sex addiction] has over us without first making a start at sharing it in the fellowship. Then we begin to see and disclose more as we become part of the progressive honesty and self-disclosure of others.
A trust begins to develop as we see that nothing is being held against us and that others are just like we are — or worse off. Trust deepens as we become mutually vulnerable by leading with our weaknesses. Leading with our weaknesses becomes the point of identification and union with each other. And it seems someone’s self-disclosure has to start it off. Someone takes the risk because he or she has to, the pain is so bad. This helps us pull away the curtain concealing the truth of our own lives and encourages our own self-disclosure. The honesty of one encourages the honesty of others, as though we’d all been waiting for just such a fellowship where we could be on the outside what we really were on the inside all along.
All this takes time. We didn’t get here in a day. But before we know it, there is shared honesty and mutual vulnerability. This is the breakthrough entrance into the Program that will open the way into the healing power of the Steps. ...
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Though marital, professional, and societal consequences may follow, admission of the problems must come, no matter the cost.
Fear of these consequences unfortunately keeps many sexual addicts from seeking help.
Many sources of help are available to provide information, support, and assistance for sexual addicts trying to regain control of their lives.
These include inpatient and outpatient treatment, professional associations, self-help groups, and aftercare support groups.
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Based on http://www.sexualrecovery.org/steps_in_pdf.htm#Step%204
It is difficult to admit a defeat, to say, "I can't stop; I can't control myself; I can't stay sexually sober". Who wants to admit complete defeat, that our lives have become unmanageable? Even those of us with many years of sobriety do not enjoy making this admission. We want to be powerful; we want to be stronger than this addiction. None of us wants to admit personal powerlessness and unmanageability. Most of us were taught to be strong—to overcome our weaknesses with our will power. We tried stopping behavior, starting behavior; joining this, quitting that; buying this, discarding that; resisting this, giving in to that; and so on.... No matter what we tried, we still repeated our addictive behaviors, and our problems got worse. Hours, days, weeks, years of obsession and ritual scarred our self-esteem. We began to sense that we were spinning downwards, out of control, toward a life of loneliness, misery, jail, insanity, perhaps even death. Yet we still refused to admit powerlessness. That was for weak people—surely not us. We thought that admitting defeat was the lowest possible place for us to go. But isn't that exactly where many of us have in fact gone—to the bottom?
Yet many of us continued to fight this admission of powerlessness even as we came into the rooms of 12 step program. We came seeking power. We came seeking the power we knew we had but just couldn't quite make work. We needed just a little more help and then we would get this thing under control. "Besides," we thought, "it wasn't all that bad." In fact, we really liked it a lot of the time. We said, "Yes, I need some help, but it's not so bad that I need to say, 'I can't stay sober.' Just give me the right rules. Put me on the right track and I'll take over. Just tell me what to do and I'll straighten this thing out in no time. I just need the right answers."
Then the first thing we heard was that we needed to admit that we were powerless. It was hard to accept this because the truth was painful: we were beaten, and beaten badly. Moreover, admitting powerlessness made us feel out of control. This was extremely difficult for us, because many of us came from dysfunctional families where we lived in out-of-control situations. So our need for feeling in control became overwhelming. We had no control of our surroundings as children so the false promise of power offered by pornography and masturbation was intoxicating, exhilarating. Paying for pornography and prostitutes, intriguing with and manipulating people to be sexual with us, and masturbating to our well-controlled fantasies all gave us the illusion of power and control.
Like any other drug, our sexual addiction was intoxicating. Many of us felt strong, attractive, and in control, like masters of the universe. But in reality we were never in control; the disease was always in control of us. The truth was we had lost control of our sexual behavior, ourselves, and even our lives. Finally we were faced with the awful fact that getting our "power" through sex was not only an illusion, it was the very source of our loss of power.
The consequence of powerlessness is unmanageability. The term "unmanageability" can be elusive. In fact, most of us thought the term wasn't even relevant to our lives. But what does it mean? It means the consequences of our inability to stop engaging in compulsive sexual behavior. This means different things to different people. Sometimes it means spending all our money on pornography, phone sex or prostitutes. Other times it means the inability to pass a newsstand without being distracted or being unable to get to work on time. It can also mean fantasizing while at work or at home, which prevents us from doing our jobs or taking care of life's daily activities. Ultimately, unmanageability can mean contracting serious diseases, and losing our jobs, our relationships and even our lives. The examples of unmanageability are endless, but the one thing that we have found is that few of us thought that the word applied to ourselves.
For this reason some of us got stuck on the second half of Step One. "Okay," we said, "I may be powerless, but not all of my life is unmanageable. I have a job and a family and I can handle it all. So I have a secret life; why do I have to give it up? Maybe I have to let go of some things but others I can keep." However, we all eventually had to ask ourselves, "If my life is so manageable, how did I get here?" It was then we finally realized that it was the consequences of our behavior that led us to this place.
As we became aware of this unmanageability and the powerlessness that caused it, we were faced with the first and deepest paradox of our recovery program: we discovered that not only were we powerless and that our lives had become unmanageable, but the path to recovery was simply to admit it. Our first step, the basic foundation of our program, is simply to say, "I can't stay sexually sober."
But we asked ourselves, "Isn't this just giving up if I say that I can't stay sober? How can this possibly help me? Shouldn't I say that I'm going to stop and make a commitment to that?" Many of us have tried to stop and promised ourselves over and over, "I'll never do that again." The first step never asks us to make a commitment. It never asks us to say, "I promise to stop" or "I vow never to act out again." It simply states that we admitted we were powerless. It is this admission that works for us, and becomes the rock and foundation on which our program stands. Our experience shows us that the true source of our strength comes first and always from admitting that we are powerless.
"So how do I work the first step? Do I just say, 'I can't stay sober'? Is that all?" There are actually many ways we work Step One. Admitting at meetings that we are powerless, saying it to others privately, or praying about it are some of the ways. Some people also find it helpful to write out their sexual history, including examples of powerlessness and unmanageability, and share it with someone. This person could be a sponsor or another safe and understanding individual. Another way to work Step One is simply going to meetings. When we walk into the rooms of a 12 Step Program we are making the statement that we need help and that we can't do this on our own. When we speak in meetings we are also saying that we need other people to hear us; we need the healing of the rooms. When we pick up the phone to talk to others in the program, we are saying that we can't do this on our own. In fact, every time we turn to the program we are essentially admitting our powerlessness.
Finally, we saw that others who had followed this path were not only sober, they were healthy and even happy. Seeing this healing in others encouraged us to move forward with the program. We stopped trying to fight our powerlessness and realized that taking Step One freed us to discover the possibilities of a new life. We found that taking the first step gave us the strength and courage to move on and work all the steps.
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There is a difference between “doing” a first step and “working” a first step.
“Doing” a first step is what happened for most of us when we came to the program. We reached a place in our lives where we were able to see and accept that our sexual behaviors were out of control. One day we heard someone say that they were “powerless” over their lust and that their life had become unmanageable. We intuitively understood that this was true for our life as well. So we “did” our first step: We admitted to ourselves that we were powerless to control our lust. We finally understood the fact that we were powerless.
However, we had yet to understand the meaning of powerlessness in our own life. Working the first step helps us gain this understanding. It is the “first” step towards honesty with ourselves about ourselves.
A process of spending more and more time thinking about or planning a specific behavior (see more at: preoccupation).
List examples of your preoccupation with sex.
List of List the boundaries you crossed in order to get that “high” one more time.
Write out the progression of your lust from less explicit to more explicit (Progressing Behaviors: Less Explicit, More explicit, Most Explicit)
Growing tolerance is a progressive need for more explicit fuel for the addictive fantasy. For example, if you started your sexual acting out career by masturbating to the underwear section of a Sears catalog, did you later move on to Playboy magazine?
Loss of Control occurs when you continue to engage in certain behaviors even when you have promised yourself “never again.”
You have lost control when you do things you promised yourself you would never do, or when you do things which violate your basic moral values.
For example, if you engage in a sexual behavior which would violate your marriage vows. You no longer have control when you continue to do things in spite of having obvious social or occupational consequences from these behaviors.
Some people refer to this stage of the disease as when the tail began to “wag the dog”.
Use the following questions to examine the loss of control of sexual behaviors in your own life.
I admit that I have obsessive traits. These traits appear in the way I try to manipulate the affairs of my life to ease the inner pain that results from struggles.
I am in the grip of an addictive process that has rendered me powerless over my behavior.
I admit that my life has been, and will continue to be, unmanageable if I insist on living by my own will. …“The truth will set you free”…
List of codependent behaviors.
Early in the treatment it is suggested that you abstain from all sexual activities, including masturbation, for 30-90 days (masturbation is so often a part of the compulsive behavior of the sex addict, it is important to refrain from this activity as well).
An abstinence period enables you to learn that you can indeed survive without sex, and allows you to get in touch with your feelings that have been avoided and covered up with sexual activity.
When they stop all sexual activity, some addicts report psychological withdrawal symptoms.
Normal responses to severe inner struggles: confusion, drowsiness, sadness, sleeplessness, turmoil (process of healing, fixing).
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