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First, there has to be a compulsion. I can't stop. I keep doing what I don't want to do. I'm powerless to stop. You will always hear addicts say, "I know what I'm doing is wrong; I want to stop, but I can't."
A second key component of any addiction is obsession.
"It's all I can think about. I'm spending so much time being sexual, recovering from being sexual, figuring out how to hide the fact that I've been sexual, planning my next sexual or relationship encounter, etc"
The third main hallmark of an addiction is continuing in spite of negative consequences.
When we continue in spite of adverse consequences, that is a clear sign of addiction.
The last main characteristic of addiction is tolerance.
Part of the tolerance effect is a purely neurochemical, physiological change in the brain. We are up against our own brain chemistry. That's one aspect of the problem.
Addicts are also often adrenaline junkies - looking for the next high. So if the high of one kind of behavior isn't enough, then either it will take more and more of that same kind of behavior or it will take going on to other, higher risk behaviors to get the same effect.
The disease progresses either to more and more of the same behavior or to higher risk behaviors.
There are other characteristics to all addictions. All addictions lead to an unmanageable life.
It is a progressive or degenerative process. Addictions are used to escape feelings. What an addiction does is alter our moods.
Addictions are often fueled by a sense of entitlement - think about a pastor who is overworked and underpaid. There are so many demands on his life, he's fighting with the deacon board, nobody understands him, and he is not appreciated the way he should be. Eventually he asks himself, Who is meeting my needs? I deserve something. That is a typical way for addicts to think. No one is meeting my needs. I'll just have to do it myself.
Addictions are also often used by addicts as a reward. Sexual addicts experience sex as the answer to everything. If I feel overworked or lonely or sad, sex can make me feel better. If I feel happy and things are wonderful, what's the best way to celebrate? Sex. It's the answer to everything. It can medicate the kind of entitlement, anger and loneliness that we experience or it can serve as a reward.
Finally, addictions, and certainly sexual addiction, can create a feeling of power. This is particularly true for women who are sexually addicted. There is an incredible feeling of power involved. In our culture we learn that a woman's core worth in the world is her sexuality. We use sex to sell everything from cars to dishwashing liquid to carpets. Everything you can imagine. Those cultural messages are very powerful. So particularly for women who are sex addicts there is a big power component at work.
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