Often sexual addicts don't know what is wrong with them. They may suffer from clinical depression or have suicidal tendencies. They may even think they are losing their minds.
Emotional costs: loss of self-esteem, feelings of guilt or shame, strong feelings of isolation and loneliness, feelings of extreme hopelessness or despair, acting against personal values and beliefs, feeling like two people, emotional exhaustion, strong fears about own future, emotional instability, despair and hopelessness
Other costs: social isolation, relationship conflicts, financial difficulties, and health risks, for both the user and his or her family.
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For a sex addicts the ritual related to sexual acting out can elicit shudders of anticipatory pleasure. Then, with the fix, comes the real rush: the warmth, the clarity, the vision, the relief, the sensation of being at the center of the universe. For a brief period, everything feels right. But something happens after repeated acting out -
whatever behavior once produced euphoria doesn't work as well, and sex addicts need a act out just to feel normal; Without acting out (using porn, masturbation, etc), sex addict feels depressed. Then they begin to use the sexual acting out compulsively. At this point, they are addicted, losing control over their behavior and suffering powerful cravings even after the thrill is gone and their habit begins to harm their health, finances and personal relationships.
Many times suicide is also a constant thought. Or the addicts will punish themselves by engaging in sexual acts that are degrading. Sometimes so degrading that the addicts can’t share what is happening with anyone else in their lives. “Contrary to enjoying sex as a self affirming source of physical pleasure, the addict has learned to rely on sex for comfort from pain for nurturing or relief from stress
Lust / sexual addiction never fulfills its promises. It promises to connect us with others and make us whole. But it never does. At best it always leaves us empty and alone.
Pornography Hurts Marriage: Sexual intimacy is one of the factors that distinguish a committed relationship from, say, an affair. Though, pornography initially triggers an increase in sexual activity, it is anything but intimate. A need to gratify the desires built up by viewing others. This turns our mate into little more than a tool for masturbation.
Over time, our mate becomes the least favorite tool, since the other options place fewer expectations or demands on us.
Many wives find their husband preferring fantasy sex (they would catch them masturbating to pornography) to making love with them. This has a devastating effect on the marriage.
Porn Hurts Children: If we're sharing computers with the kids, they can pull up the cache and see what we saw. \
If you're using pornography magazines, they have seen them...you think they're not in your secret places when you're not around?
Every step we take lowers our self-esteem and makes sexual gratification more difficult to achieve - forcing us to desire more exotic and deviant behavior in the hopes of satisfying our ever-deepening cravings.
Sex with ourselves or with others gave us the illusion of acceptance and thus the “cure” to our worthlessness. We became addicted to the “cure.”
We needed a constant supply of sexual activity to stay “cured.”
So we used others for sex instead of having relationships, or we bought our “cure” through magazines, or prostitutes, or we sold our bodies to others, or we masturbated, but always we lusted. To lust was to live.
Lust had become the most important thing in our lives. Some of us were willing to risk and lose everything to get and keep it.
As more and more of addicts' energy becomes focused on relationships which have sexual potential, other relationships and activities -family, friends, work, talents and values - suffer and atrophy from neglect. Long-term relationships are stormy and often unsuccessful. Because of sexual over-extension and intimacy avoidance, short-term relationships become the norm.
http://www.healthymind.com/s-overtime.html
People respond to an addictive substance or behavior because it improves their sense of well-being for a short time. However, over time the addiction helps less and less on each occasion of acting out, and ones overall sense of well-being deteriorates. The forecast for well-being for an addict is always bad. Eventually the peak of a person's "high" is a worse state of being than when they started the addiction, and the high only staves off the negative effects of withdrawal.
Unfortunately, recovery is not smooth ride either. Well-being improve overall, but it is not easy. Recovery has its ups and downs, and withdrawal is hard. Eventually, a new sense of well-being and serenity is established. However, this improvement does not result simply from abstaining from the addictive substance or activity. It involves overcoming the effects of trauma and deprivation from the past.
Acting out ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS brings regret.
Right now, I probably feel like this time will be different, like it will
make me feel good and happy without any negative consequences but this is a
lie! After I act out I feel like a failure. I feel ashamed and disappointed
in myself. I have NEVER acted out and felt good about it — this time would
be no different. Afterwards I will suffer another withdrawal and suffer a
loss of self-esteem. I will suffer emotional stress by going from my acting
out high to the depths of regret.
Acting out hurts my relationships with others and myself.
It teaches me to look at people as objects and ignore their worth as human
beings. After I act out I feel worthless and unlovable and this causes me to
hide from others. It keeps me from representing myself truthfully because I
have to keep my behaviors a secret. It causes me to live a double life. My
mind gets filled with garbage and I am no longer able to be mentally present
for the people in my life.
Acting out hurts others. This is NOT a harmless activity. It's not harmless to me and it's not harmless to others. People's lives are being ruined! The person I look at when I view porn is most likely miserable. They probably have been abused and mistreated by many people and now feel like the only worth they have is in their body. This is a destructive lie and I DON'T want to have ANY part of it. The person I cyber with may not be who they say they are. Without realizing it, I may be talking to somebody else's spouse. In this case I would be hindering intimacy between the husband and wife and might be contributing to the breakup of a marriage. This would cause pain for not only the couple but also for their children, parents, in-laws, etc. I also have to realize that the person who says they are 28 or 29, might be 13 or 14. They may be looking to find out what sex is all about. If so, I certainly don't want them to get the idea that what goes on in a chat room is good, acceptable or normal. There are many more scenarios but regardless of the scenario, someone is getting hurt and when I participate in the activity, it makes me partially responsible for the hurt. This is not a responsibility I want to have.
Acting out takes away from other more valuable things. One day I will have to give an account for how I used the time, money and talents that God has given me. I do not want to waste these things on acting out.
Typical outcomes for a sex addict: death, mental institution, jail, or recovery :-)
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I believe this is the most important part of the first step because I know that self knowledge (“Admitted we were powerless over our addiction”) will not lead to sobriety. There are many homeless people who know they are alcoholics or addicted and yet continue their behavior.
I ask my sponsees to put consequences to their sexual history and acting out behaviors.
It is essential that the addict make the leap from the powerlessness of the behavior to the total unmanageability of their lives.
Unless they do this it will be very difficult to open the door to God's graces, because as long as an addict has any fantasy of controlling their lives they will not surrender totally.
A relationship with God is the answer to all the difficulties of an addict but as long as he believes he can manage his life why would he surrender to a God he probably doesn’t know, trust or understand?
After a newcomer has made a list of the consequences of their history of acting out then they are able to see clearly the unmanageability of their lives and the poor results of a life lived for self.
This is a wonderful way to bridge to the Second and Third Steps.
Although it may appear as if when working on this first step we are doing some Fourth Step work, that is not so and does not have to happen if the sponsor offers specific instructions.
We do not go into detail of who, what, where, and when. This first step work is done in summary form and does not go into names, personal details and specifics.
See also: concept of being powerless
