Filtering: You take the negative details and magnify them, while
filtering out all positive aspects of a situation. A single detail may be
picked out, and the whole event becomes colored by this detail. When you
pull negative things out of context, isolated from all the good experiences
around you, you make them larger and more awful than they really are.
Polarized Thinking: The hallmark of this distortion is an
insistence on dichotomous choices. Things are black or white, good or bad.
You tend to perceive everything at the extremes, with very little room for a
middle ground. The greatest danger in polarized thinking is its impact on
how you judge yourself. For example—You have to be perfect or you're a
failure.
Polarized thinking is also understood as "either / or", "black & white",
"all or nothing" type thinking. It limits ambiguity through simplification.
It attempts to deny the complex nature of the world.
Attempting to deny
complexity is an exercise in self-delusion.
Overgeneralization: You come to a general conclusion based on a
single incident or piece of evidence. If something bad happens once, you
expect it to happen over and over again. 'Always' and 'never' are cues that
this style of thinking is being utilized. This distortion can lead to a
restricted life, as you avoid future failures based on the single incident
or event.
Mind Reading: Without their saying so, you know what people are
feeling and why they act the way they do. In particular, you are able to
divine how people are feeling toward you. Mind reading depends on a process
called projection. You imagine that people feel the same way you do and
react to things the same way you do. Therefore, you don't watch or listen
carefully enough to notice that they are actually different. Mind readers
jump to conclusions that are true for them, without checking whether they
are true for the other person.
Catastrophizing: You expect disaster. You notice or hear about
a problem and start "what if's." What if that happens to me? What if
tragedy strikes? There are no limits to a really fertile catastrophic
imagination. An underlying catalyst for this style of thinking is that you
do not trust in yourself and your capacity to adapt to change.
Personalization: This is the tendency to relate everything
around you to yourself. For example, thinking that everything people do or
say is some kind of reaction to you. You also compare yourself to others,
trying to determine who's smarter, better looking, etc. The underlying
assumption is that your worth is in question. You are therefore continually
forced to test your value as a person by measuring yourself against
others. If you come out better, you get a moment's relief. If you come up
short, you feel diminished. The basic thinking error is that you interpret
each experience, each conversation, each look as a clue to your worth and
value.
Control Fallacies: There are two ways you can distort your sense
of power and control. If you feel externally controlled, you see yourself
as helpless, a victim of fate. The fallacy of internal control has you
responsible for the pain and happiness of everyone around you. Feeling
externally controlled keeps you stuck. You don't believe you can really
affect the basic shape of your life, let alone make any difference in the
world. The truth of the matter is that we are constantly making decisions,
and that every decision affects our lives. On the other hand, the fallacy
of internal control leaves you exhausted as you attempt to fill the needs of
everyone around you, and feel responsible in doing so (and guilty when you
cannot).
Fallacy of Fairness: You feel resentful because you think you
know what's fair, but other people won't agree with you. Fairness is so
conveniently defined, so temptingly self-serving, that each person gets
locked into his or her own point of view. It is tempting to make
assumptions about how things would change if people were only fair or really
valued you. But the other person hardly ever sees it that way, and you end
up causing yourself a lot of pain and an ever-growing resentment.
Blaming: You hold other people responsible for your pain, or
take the other tack and blame yourself for every problem. Blaming often
involves making someone else responsible for choices and decisions that are
actually our own responsibility. In blame systems, you deny your right (and
responsibility) to assert your needs, say no, or go elsewhere for what you
want.
Shoulds: You have a list of ironclad rules about how you and
other people should act. People who break the rules anger you, and you feel
guilty if you violate the rules. The rules are right and indisputable and,
as a result, you are often in the position of judging and finding fault (in
yourself and in others). Cue words indicating the presence of this
distortion are should, ought, and must.
Emotional Reasoning: You believe that what you feel must be
true—automatically. If you feel stupid or boring, then you must be stupid
and boring. If you feel guilty, then you must have done something wrong.
The problem with emotional reasoning is that our emotions interact and
correlate with our thinking process. Therefore, if you have distorted
thoughts and beliefs, your emotions will reflect these distortions.
Fallacy of Change: You expect that other people will change to
suit you if you just pressure or cajole them enough. You need to change
people because your hopes for happiness seem to depend entirely on them.
The truth is the only person you can really control or have much hope of
changing is yourself. The underlying assumption of this thinking style is
that your happiness depends on the actions of others. Your happiness
actually depends on the thousands of large and small choices you make in
your life.
Global Labeling: You generalize one or two qualities (in
yourself or others) into a negative global judgment. Global labeling
ignores all contrary evidence, creating a view of the world that can be
stereotyped and one-dimensional. Labeling yourself can have a negative and
insidious impact upon your self-esteem; while labeling others can lead to
snap-judgments, relationship problems, and prejudice.
Being Right: You feel continually on trial to prove that your
opinions and actions are correct. Being wrong is unthinkable and you will
go to any length to demonstrate your rightness. Having to be 'right' often
makes you hard of hearing. You aren't interested in the possible veracity
of a differing opinion, only in defending your own. Being right becomes
more important than an honest and caring relationship.
Heaven's Reward Fallacy: You expect all your sacrifice and
self-denial to pay off, as if there were someone keeping score. You fell
bitter when the reward doesn't come as expected. The problem is that while
you are always doing the 'right thing,' if your heart really isn't in it,
you are physically and emotionally depleting yourself.
