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Disclosure - a formal or informal process in which the person with the compulsive sexual disorder tells his or her partner about all or some of the sexual behaviors in which he or she engaged in outside the marital relationship.
Disclosure is the cornerstone of healing and is often what gives the couple hope.
Disclosure brings relief, an end to denial and secrecy, and the gateway to recovery. Disclosure also brings validation to the partner, and hope for a better relationship. Yet disclosure also brings shame to the addict, pain to the partner, and fears to both about the loss of the relationship.
Dr. Jennifer Schneider surveyed 82 couples in various stages of sexual recovery in 1998. She discovered that the partners of sex addicts overwhelmingly wanted:
1) to be themselves in charge of how much was going to be disclosed, and
2) to have their feelings of violation and distrust validated by both the addict and any therapist they might be seeing as a couple.
As a result of this research, Dr. Schneider strongly recommends that disclosure be "guided by the spouse’s desire to know," rather than by the addict’s desire to minimize. She went on to note that, although 60 percent of the partners threatened to leave upon the first disclosure of infidelity, 76 percent of those who threatened to leave never did so or even separated temporarily.
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The addict’s initial disclosure most frequently occurs when the partner is about to learn the truth anyway, or when the partner has some incriminating information.
Other addicts, however, develop so much guilt that they feel a huge buildup of pressure to disclose.
Lying - did you made your wife to feel crazy, imagining things? She may think that she is paranoid (your wife's self-esteem suffers)
Extramarital sexual activities are usually accompanied by lying. When disclosure finally occurs, the spouse often feels betrayed on two levels -- both by the sexual activity and also by the lying. If the addict subsequently again lies to the spouse after the behavior is discovered, the spouse feels yet another level of betrayal.
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It is natural for people whose sexual behavior is discovered to attempt "damage control," by minimizing, rationalizing, excusing, or denying their behavior.
However, many individuals engaging in such behavior may be suffering from a sexual disorder with addictive features. Sexual addiction is a treatable disorder, but only when the disease is confronted in the open and treatment is undertaken.
Most spouses or partners want additional information. They feel they have a "right to know". They want to be able to assess their risk of HIV disease and other sexually transmitted diseases.
Many spouses had suspicions but were told they were imagining it or were crazy; now they want validation of their prior feelings.
Others feel that they were lied to for so long that they now want the truth. If the sexual misconduct is now a matter of public record (e.g. revealed by the media or the subject of a legal inquiry), most spouses want to know the facts so that they can decide what to do and how to respond appropriately to others' questions.
Spouses who learn about extramarital sexual behaviors experience a whole range of emotions, including pain, devastation, deep betrayal, violation, confusion, fear, hurt, and anger. These emotions frequently lead to behaviors such as attacking, criticizing, clinging, controlling, or cold withdrawing, which tend to be very destructive to the relationship.
Spouses report that honesty by the addict at this painful time can be the first step to rebuilding trust.
Although disclosure of graphic sexual details is rarely helpful to the spouse, most partners find it valuable to receive information about health risks, the timing, location and nature of the behavior, how committed the addict is to the marriage, and whether the behavior has stopped.
Extramarital sexual activities are usually accompanied by lying. When disclosure finally occurs, the spouse often feels betrayed on two levels - both by the sexual activity and also by the lying.
If the addict subsequently again lies to the spouse after the behavior is discovered, the spouse feels yet another level of betrayal.
If on the basis of the person's denial, the spouse defends him or her to family, friends and the public and states that the person has been unjustly accused, when the true nature of the allegations is revealed the relationship may be irretrievably damaged.
Rebuilding full trust in the relationship typically takes two years; however, if additional lying has occurred after the disclosure, trust might never be restored.
It is important to have a support person (counselor, close friend, or another spouse of an addict in recovery) available at the time of disclosure to the spouse. Many partners of addicts preferred to have professional help and personal support in the hours immediately after the disclosure, which is best conducted in person rather than by letter or telephone. When a professional boundary violation or illegal act has occurred which could result in legal consequences, it is prudent to discuss disclosure with an experienced professional who has worked with addictive sexual disorders.
Persons who keep relapsing to the compulsive sexual behavior are likely to be those who have been unwilling to disclose their behaviors to the spouse.
Overwhelmingly, couples who have put their relationships back on track after the crisis of the addict's extramarital sexual behaviors tell us that honesty is the key foundation to the survival and growth of their relationship.
“We are only as sick as the secrets we keep."
A straightforward, step-by-step approach.
Help readers discern the type of information that is advisable to share as well as develop a plan for constructive disclosure.
Topics include: what, when, and how to tell, who to involve, what (if anything) to tell children, what information to share at work, church, and in the community. Disclosing Secrets serves as a guidebook for healing as well, offering reassurance that relationships can be repaired and renewed after disclosure.
Is the affair over? Are you still acting out? Do you want to stop?
Do you still have any contact with your affair partner?
Impact on your relationship?
Did your partner suspect your acting-out?
What lies were used to cover up the affair?
Was the partner accused of imagining things, paranoia (impact partner’s loss of self-esteem)
Does a past affair or problematic behavior still have an impact on the couple’s current relationship?
What you think will be the positive as well as negative consequences of your disclosure on himself, on the spouse, on the relationship?
What do you believe will be the positive and negative consequences of continuing not to disclose (on yourself, on the spouse, on the relationship)?
In case you wrote a letter to your wife - discuss it with your sponsor and your therapist first.
Incorporate the feedback into your letter.
In general it is a bad idea to give the letter to your wife - she can read your letter over and over again - and it will hurt so much more.
Be sure your wife has a support system in place, find out when is the best time for your wife to disclose.
You need to prepare yourself to receive your wife's anger, grief, and other emotions without either becoming defensive or risking a relapse because of your discomfort.
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It maybe tempting to attempt a damage control by initially disclosing only some of the sexual acting out - but this is not a good idea.
Trust increases with time and consistency in the addict's behavior.
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based on "The Traumatic Nature of Disclosure for Wives of Sexual Addicts." By: Steffens, Barbara A.; Rennie, Robyn L.. Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity, Apr2006
sexual addict “sees this [the addiction] as his secret domain, totally separate from the woman and having no impact of the marriage or family”
For the spouse of the sexual addict, the disclosure of the existence of a sexual addiction and/or related sexual behaviors is described in existing literature as a crisis and a traumatic.
Spouses of sexual addicts (SSAs) report varied distressing symptoms and behaviors in response to disclosure: anxiety, depression, anger, rage, obsessive thoughts and compulsive checking behaviors, difficulty concentrating, increased isolation, and hyper-vigilance.
the behaviors of compulsive checking, emotional numbing, rage or increased isolation are viewed as maladaptive and signs of the SSA’s own addictive tendencies and loss of self, and are often labeled as co-addictive behaviors
the women became involved in what she termed “detective behavior” or checking the husbands’ belongings for evidence of hidden sexual behavior
if the wife found evidence and confronted her husband, the addict typically denied any misbehavior. This then led to escalation of her behaviors as she became obsessed with the addict’s actions.
the effects of the discovery of sexual addiction upon the spouse as resulting in feelings of “hurt, betrayal, rejection, abandonment, devastation, loneliness, shame, isolation, humiliation, jealousy, and anger, as well as loss of self-esteem”
The betrayal of infidelity is a specific form of relational trauma. Infidelity or extra marital sex is considered by many as “a betrayal of the marital promise . . . a form of deviant or immoral behavior”
the news of a partner’s infidelity “sends a jolt of adrenaline into the body that sets off a stress reaction”, including symptoms of numbing, obsessing, interrogating, and shifting emotions.
betrayed spouses commonly suspect some form of marital infidelity and may confront their partner, only to receive denials from their betrayer.
Emotional responses to infidelity mirror those of other traumatic events, including shock, repression, denial, intense mood fluctuation, depression, anxiety, and lowered self-esteem. Behaviorally, victims of infidelity demonstrate the need to question the offender repeatedly, and experience hypervigilance, intrusive thoughts about the event, along with obsessive thoughts of acts of revenge or punishment
usually occur because of a “dramatic incident” where the addict’s previously secret out-of-control sexual behaviors are broken or suddenly uncovered
“acting crazy . . . they are hypervigilant . . . they have flashbacks . . . they obsess over details”
the revelation of sexual addiction is particularly traumatic, in that “the betrayed partner often hears about multiple sexual encounters staggered over time . . . every time the betrayed partners think they have heard it all, they are re-traumatized with additional horror stories”
“I was shocked. I threw up, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat, cried constantly, couldn’t work.”
“It impacted me severely emotionally and physically. It was devastating.”
The current addiction model views sexual addiction as a family disease. The popular conceptualization of the responses and treatment needs of the sex addicts spouses centers upon the women’s addictive or obsessive relationship with an addict and predisposition to the development of coaddiction due to the woman’s traumatic and dysfunctional pasts.
Recovery for the spouse of sex addict
Get into the 12-Step group and focus on your own recovery. You are in “in recovery” when you refrain from attempts to control your husband’s sexual acting out and when you become less reactive emotionally to his addictive behavior.
she is told that her husband’s addictive or compulsive behaviors is not about her, she is also told that she carries her own disease that contributes to the continuation or deepening of the sexual addiction. Her attempts to“fix” the addict are therefore viewed as symptomatic of her own addictive illness, co-addiction. The co-addict in recovery demonstrates health by her ability to focus upon her own life and detach from the addict by reducing her obsession with her spouse’s life and behaviors. Her trauma history contributes to her distress as these past traumas are triggered by the act of sexual betrayal.
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Obsessive and intrusive thoughts of the disclosure and of her husband’s actions that caused injury occupy her mind and energy, as she seeks what she cannot find: safety in an unsafe situation. One woman described the impact of initial discovery this way: “In one moment, your heart and breathing stops. You have been completely thrown into an alternate universe. Nothing will ever be the same and you know it.” Her world has changed.
repair attempts can include behaviors such as clinging, obsession, pursuit, angry outbursts, and detective behaviors
“I was in total shock. I went from a good marriage to one on the brink of divorce in the flash of an eye.” Another stated, “[My] initial reaction was to shake uncontrollably—I’ve had this kind of reaction before to death. This was death.”
“These events rocked me to the core of my soul.” Another stated, “It left me shell shocked. I’m hypervigilant and skeptical of everything, even when I try not to be.”
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Preschool and Early Elementary School Age: Usually preschool children only want to be assured that parents are not going to die or leave them.
Older Elementary School Age: These children are also concerned that the parents will end the marriage or that they have done something wrong; some have been witness to inappropriate behavior.
Middle School/High School Age: The same type of information can be shared with these children. However, depending on the level of sex education the children have received, addicts may also want to give specific information about sex addiction and their behavior as it relates to the family.
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http://www.addicted.com/addiction-professionals/articles.aspx?ProID=2
My Partner
Your partner or spouse has probably suffered in many ways from your addiction including the inability to be emotionally intimate, financial loss, humiliation due to your behavior and the list goes on. If she is deciding to work this out with you as you recover, you are very fortunate and in my experience you would be in the minority. "What should I tell her?" is one of the first questions I hear from an addict who wants to protect his marriage. The answer is individually situational. I will offer possible options. You may need a therapy session to help you in this area.
OptionsAnother issue after you decide to tell or not to tell your wife is, how much do you included her in your recovery process. In most cases, your wife will not be a sex addict and will not understand your fantasy, masturbation, pornography or other behavorial struggles. She is not your sponsor. Your sponsor needs to be someone of the same sex. It is helpful for your spouse to be aware of where you are in your recovery. You may want to agree on some questions she can ask you that you will answer honestly.
Example QuestionsIn my experience counseling sex addicts, it is better to plan a weekly or biweekly meeting with your spouse to discuss these questions. This can prevent your partner from coming up with questions at anytime or during an argument. If she is staying with you during your recovery, it is appropriate and can be therapeutic for you both to keep it in a manageable session. If you have specific questions about these issues, you may want to speak to a therapist.
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