emotional connection
The sexual addicts are typically unable to form close friendships. Their feelings of shame and unworthiness made them unable to accept real intimacy. They were certain they would be rejected if others only knew what they were "really" like, so they found myriad obsessive ways to turn away a potential friend or loving partner. Despite a large number of superficial sexual contacts, they suffered from loneliness, and many developed a sense of leading two lives--one sexual, the other centered around their occupation or other "normal" activity.
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In the search for intimacy, the addict is driven by the terror that the needs of the inner child, the adult, and the soul will not be met indefinitely. The miracle of the Twelve Steps is that they offer a way to heal the terror.
For the most part, though the desire for intimacy is primary, among addicts the fear of intimacy is also primary. Understanding that intimacy means to be without fear, it becomes clear that the addict is in actuality terrified of his sexual partner.
The need to objectify and sexualize the partner demonstrates the established emotional boundary. It is the emotional boundary, however, that the addict wishes to overcome.
In the Twelve Step program, the addict creates a sexual boundary with the other participants. In doing so, a cognitive dissonance is created, for the addict must now relate in emotional, psychological, and even spiritual ways. Though this type of relating should be assumed as a part of healthy development in childhood, for many addicts this is the first experience of relating to people without expecting shame and judgment. It is the first step toward healing for many addicts because it is the first experience of intimacy: relating to others without fear.
As the addict cares for the needs of the inner child through intimate contact that is without fear, shame, and judgment, he begins to move into the next arena of sexual healing. With an established sense of self, the sexually compulsive person is able to experiment with nonsexualizing touch: shaking hands, hugging, and nurturing the self through touch that is both sexual and nonsexual.
This is similar to the adolescent stages of human sexual development, in which the individual's task is to develop a sense of sexual well-being that comes from within. This period of development enables the individual to explore the personal sexual response cycle in relation to the self before moving on to relating to others.
The final stage of sexual healing for the addict is making a conscious choice to enter into a relationship. Having broken patterns of compulsive behavior that had been in place for years, at some point the individual decides that it is time to explore a relationship. Again, within the context of a supportive and nurturing community, the individual is able to examine, celebrate, and deliberate over what involves healthy sexual choice. These choices are not made under the influence of an external authority. Rather, they are made from a sense of empowerment that comes from understanding the motivations behind sexual energy and an understanding of the individual's sexual value system.
"simple intimacy" - it is the intimacy of knowing the self and discovering one's self-worth and it begins with a self-love.
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More than sex
The ability to relate appropriately to the circumstances at hand
Participating fully in whatever it is we are doing
Giving myself wholeheartedly to the present moment
Opening ourselves to all of our emotions, to joy, to reality
Opening ourselves to life
The desire and willingness to be known and to know others (honesty)
The polar opposite of withdrawal and isolation
Freedom of expression in all emotions, including anger
Connection with ourselves and others to the very depth of our being
Marked by close acquaintance, closeness
Full disclosure of ourselves, a lack of hiding anything
Deep sharing and communion with another as lives are shared
Unconditionally exposing yourself without trying to cover it up
The ability to give and receive fully with enjoyment
A safe and comfortable place where one feels the freedom to share themselves