No-cross Talk
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"No cross-talk" - means that when someone
shares in a meeting, no one else in the meeting can respond to what that person
says in terms of giving their own thoughts, reactions, or advice.
A person in the meeting can share something about
themselves and their own recovery based on what another shares, but the second
sharing cannot be in the form of corrections, rebuttals, or reinforcement of the
first person's sharing.
For example, if one person shares that he or she thought
that his or her sex addiction was caused by sexual abuse in the past, no one
else should get up and say that person is all wrong or all right. Other persons
can share their own experiences and thoughts about the cause or origin of their
own sex- and love-addicted behaviors, but they should not be trying to change
what another person has shared.
Avoid words like "we" and "us" - instead use refer to your
own experience.
These boundaries are important in Twelve Step meetings
because they are not group therapy sessions.
Much of what we have learned to date may block communication and may get in
the way of creative relationships, friends, associates, mates, and family. The
following behaviors tend to help us become more "open" and able to give and
receive clear communication with others.
- SPEAK WITH
THE FIRST PERSON "I."
Instead of "People feel...," or "You get to feeling... ," etc., say "I
think...," "I feel...." This gives more of a flavor of you rather than broad
generalities.
- SPEAK
DIRECTLY TO INDIVIDUALS. Look and speak directly into their
face(s). If another person asks you, "How do you feel about Sam right now?"
for example, turn to Sam and say, "Sam, I feel you were very kind to me a
minute ago when you said...," or "I resent you right now," or whatever —
rather than answering the one who questioned you originally.
- SPEAK FROM
YOUR HONEST FEELINGS AND THOUGHTS. There is no taboo on
language, thoughts, feelings or expressions in this kind of group. Failing
to communicate exactly what one feels — be it anger or affection or
indifference towards another — is deemed "kindness" by the world and all too
often is the most cruel thing we can do to one another. It is based on lying
and not giving a person the compliment of being able to handle honest
feelings. How can persons behave properly if they have never been honestly
told how others react to them?
- BE AWARE AT
ALL TIMES OF YOUR THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS OF THE MOMENT.
Express them at the earliest appropriate time. Be aware even if you cannot
express a perception of the moment. You cannot live creatively if you cloud
the present with the imagined past — a memory. The dreams of future never
come. We freely live in one dimension of time — the here and now.
- READ THE
MESSAGES FROM YOUR OWN BODY. Your body is a most basic,
tangible aspect of yourself. It is continually giving you messages. The open
or closed portions of your limbs, sweaty palms, feeling "fidgety," rapid
heartbeat, moving to a closer or more remote seat, flushed face, increased
elimination needs — all these and more tell that you are afraid, angry,
irritated, worried, embarrassed, wanting to be closer to a person, anxious,
etc. These messages can be noted and understood.
- BE AS
SPONTANEOUS AS POSSIBLE. Too often, we "mull over," think
about, choose careful language, wait too long, try to be polite, wait our
turn to speak or react. This may "water down," negate our freshness, sparkle
and genuineness. Try to let ideas, thoughts and feelings flow out and over
as they will convey the true "view."
- BE AWARE OF
THE ROLES YOU TAKE AND YOUR CHARACTERISTIC BEHAVIOR. It has
been observed that we tend to behave similarly in many situations. For
instance, some of us tend to be ready for a scrap in many situations. Others
tend to withdraw or run away from a confrontation, while others are
"peacemakers" or compromisers. Another may behave very differently in each
situation, carefully "sampling" popular opinion and then taking that side.
By observing yourself and others in this group, you can come to helpful
insights.
- BE AWARE OF
HOW PERSONS IN THIS GROUP REMIND YOU OF SIGNIFICANT PEOPLE IN YOUR PAST OR
PRESENT LIFE. Interacting with those persons can often work
out actually or completely like the persons of whom they remind you.
- LISTEN
ACTIVELY. Good communication involves clear expressions of
not only what you think and feel, but also listening clearly to the words,
feelings and behavior communications of others (it is good to attempt to
"crawl into another's skin" or "wear their shoes" in your imagination in
order to understand them). There is a strong tendency to "read in" things
we feel, while missing what a person is expressing because it bothers us for
some reason. Techniques such as repeating back to a person what you thought
they said before you answer might be helpful, if it does not demand
spontaneity. One can learn to allow for one's own biases and prejudices
which may distort what is going on in and around us.
- DON'T SPEAK
FOR OTHERS. Such as, "Most people think...," "A person
always feels...," or "I think So-and-so feels you don't like him/her." Speak
for yourself or ask the person what they are feeling or thinking. If you
feel empathy for a person or feel like defending or attacking someone, speak
for what you are experiencing at that moment rather than attributing it to
others.
- TRY TO HAVE
GENUINE "ENCOUNTERS" WITH OTHERS. The aim of an encounter
is not necessarily to either fight (or avoid anger), to always be on good
terms, or to "love" everyone. It is rather to realize that the basic stuff
of life is to contact, interact, feel, and communicate meaningfully with
others. A quarrel is often better than complacently ignoring another. To
know that you have been true to yourself while meaningfully interacting with
another, also being true to them, is a major aim of such an experience like
this. It can have favorable consequences in your social relationships
outside of this group.
- EXPECT
PERIODS OF SILENCE. Although they may seem, at first,
uncomfortable, creative things can occur in our awareness and our
consciousness. Use silence to be aware of what's happening in you.
- IN
ENCOUNTERS, USE THE "FEEDBACK PROCESS" WHEN DIRECTING A PARTICULAR CONCERN
OR FEELING TOWARD ANOTHER PERSON. The "feedback process" is:
a) I observe; b) I assume; c) I feel.
Here is a list of frequently seen group behaviors that need
to be confronted as they happen. Take the risk to confront your own behaviors.
Take the risk to confront the behaviors of your peers. Whether they are directly
connected to acting out or not, these behaviors will lead to relapse. Remember,
this is about behavior, not the person. We confront what we see another group
member doing, not who he or she is. Treat the individual with unconditional
respect.
- EXCUSE MAKING.
For example: "I act out because I'm depressed," or "I act out because my
spouse doesn't understand me."
- BLAMING AND
PROJECTION. Permits the build-up of resentments and gets the
focus off the recovering person and puts it on others. For example: "The
trouble with you is that you're always so critical. Who wouldn't act out!" "
The cop that stopped me is angry at the world."
- REDEFINING.
Shifts the focus of an issue to avoid solving the problem. For example: "I
acted out because the language in the Big Book is old fashioned and too
religious." "I acted out because my sponsor told me I could date."
-
SUPER-OPTIMISM. For example: "I think, therefore, it is." "I
can stop acting out because I put my mind to it. I don't need any support."
-
SUPER-PESSIMISM. "Stinking thinking." For example: "What's
the use, everyone's against me."
- LYING.
Confuses, distorts, and takes the focus off the behavior. Examples are:
- Commission — making things up that are simply not
true.
- Omission — leaving out major sections.
- Assent — presenting others' ideas to look good
with no intention of following through.
- MAKING FOOLS
OF OTHERS. By putting others down, we take the focus off our
own behaviors.
- ASSUMING.
For example: "Nobody cares about me anyway." Gives us an excuse to blow up,
get angry, or act out.
- I'M UNIQUE.
"No one can tell me what to do." "Nobody understands my problems."
- INGRATIATING.
Finding out what you can get from other people, how you can control them,
use them, or control the situation for your own purposes. For example:
"You're my favorite counselor."
- MINIMIZING.
For example: "I only drank three beers." "I only called my DOC to see how
s/he was doing."
- VAGUENESS.
Being unclear and nonspecific to avoid being pinned down. "I guess."
"Probably." "Maybe." "I'm not sure about this." "I drink socially." "I acted
out occasionally." "I've used it."
- AGGRESSION /
DOMINANCE. Scaring others by our power and strength so that
they will agree with us or leave us alone.
- POWER PLAYS.
Walking out of a room during a disagreement or organizing others to support
our anger.
- VICTIM
PLAYING. Acting like the King Baby, or whining and acting
helpless, or acting too stupid to do anything for ourselves.
- DRAMA /
EXCITEMENT / SENSATIONALIZING. A distraction which keeps the
focus off our own behavior.
- SECRETIVE AND
CLOSE-MINDED. Opposite of going to any length of whatever
works.
- IMAGE AND
SELF-DEFINITION. For example: "That's me. That's just the
way I am. I'm just a quiet person."
- GRANDIOSITY.
For example: "I've spilled more booze that you've drank!" "I've acted out
for over fifty years before coming to recovery."
-
INTELLECTUALIZING. Going ten miles out of the way to state a
point; using academic, abstract, or theoretical discussions to avoid dealing
with the feelings associated with the issue.
- RATIONALIZING.
Unconsciously devising reasonable, plausible, or logical explanations for
acting out or beliefs rather than honest accountability.
- STAYING IN
THE SAFETY ZONE. Withholding information because of the fear
of confrontation; being "stuck" in our recovery and not doing work because
we feel safe in being abstinent.
- ISOLATION.
Avoiding contact with others, so as to avoid dealing with feelings or
changing behaviors.
- REPRESSION.
Unconsciously blocking events that are too painful to deal with.
- RUMINATING.
Replaying old tapes or past events over and over, rather than taking stock
of the past, present, and future with willingness to "let go" and change.
See also:
Last update:
Thursday, April 26, 2007.
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