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The actions of the steps often involve the completion of specific tasks, such as writing lists, that require an honest examination of ourselves and our way of life.
Following these steps leads to freedom from addictive sexual behaviors and to the healing of our minds, bodies, spirits, relationships, and sexuality.
John Bradshaw: "Service also means caring for others and giving back what you’ve received. The Twelfth Step urges us to carry our spiritual awakening to others who suffer the ‘toxic shame’ of a dysfunctional background. All of us who have come out of hiding need to bring the light to others.
Carrying the message is done by modeling, not by moralizing. It is done by those who ‘walk the walk as they talk the talk.’
This means that there are no gurus. There are only those who have walked a little further down the path.
Service and love for others flow directly from service and love for ourselves. I love the motto of the Dominican priests: “To hand on to others what you yourself have contemplated.” We truly cannot give what we haven’t got. We cannot teach our children self-valuing if we continue to be shame-based.
Service is a true mark and fruit of spiritual growth."
Caution - just as it is possible to become “addicted” to recovery, it is possible to become addicted to service work. Being overly involved can result in a shift from self focus which can threaten our sobriety.
Service work is only one facet of my recovery. I was also reminded that as a sex addict/codependent, I will seek out escape mechanisms which keep me from dealing with my own issues. Balance, balance, balance. Balance in my life is the key!
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Most of us did not consider ourselves addicted before coming to the 12-Steps Group or hitting bottom.
Through all of this, we kept telling ourselves, "I can handle it".
As long as we could stop acting-out for a while, we thought we were not addicted. We looked at the stopping, not the using. As our addiction progressed, we thought of stopping less and less.
We did not choose to become addicts. We suffer from a disease which expresses itself in ways that are anti-social and make detection, diagnosis and treatment difficult.
Our disease isolated us from people.
Our world shrank and isolation became our life.
When our addiction was treated a moral deficiency, we became rebellious and were driven deeper into isolation.
We manipulated people and tried to control everything around us.
One aspect of our addiction was our inability to deal with life on its terms.
We fell into a pattern of selective thinking. We only remembered the "good" sexual experiences. We justified and rationalized the things we had to do to keep from going crazy.
We avoided the reality of our addiction.
Our spirit was broken.
These experiences indicated there was something wrong with our lives. We wanted an easy way out and some of us thought of suicide. Our attempts were usually feeble, and only helped to contribute to our feelings of worthlessness. We were trapped in the illusion of "what if", "if only" and "just one more time". When we did seek help, we were really only looking for the absence of pain.
Like other incurable diseases, addiction can be arrested. We agree that there is nothing shameful about being an addict, provided we accept our dilemma honestly and take positive action. We are willing to admit without reservation that we are allergic to addictive sexual behaviors.
We developed a point of view that enabled us to pursue our addiction without concern for our own well-being or that of others.
We became accustomed to a state of mind common to addicts. We forgot how to play; we forgot how to express ourselves and show concern for others. We forgot how to feel.
While acting-out, we lived in another world. It seemed we were at last two people instead of one, like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. We ran around trying to get our lives together before our next run. In the end, Dr. Jekyll died and Mr. Hyde took over.
We all have different tolerances for pain. Some addicts needed to go to greater extremes than others. Some of us found we had had enough when we realized that we were getting high too often and it was affecting our daily lives.
At first, we were acting-out in a manner which seemed to be social or at least controllable with little indication of the disaster which the future held for us. At some point, our acting-out became uncontrollable and antisocial.
Those of us who don't die from the disease will go on to prison, mental institutions or complete demoralization as the disease progresses.
We had to reach our bottom before we became willing to stop. We were much more motivated to seek help in the latter stage of our addiction. It was easier for us to see the destruction, disaster and delusion of our acting-out. It was harder to deny our addiction when problems were staring us in the face.
Some of us first saw the effects of addiction on the people with whom we were close. We were very dependent on them to carry us emotionally through life.
Our addiction had enslaved us. We were prisoners of our own mind, condemned by our own guilt.
We had given up ever stopping. Our attempts to stay sober/abstinent had always failed, causing us pain and misery.
As addicts, we have an incurable disease called addiction which is chronic, progressive and fatal.
However, it is a treatable disease. We feel that each individual alone has to answer the question, "Am I an addict?" How we got the disease is of no immediate importance to us. We are concerned with recovery.
We begin to treat our addiction by simply being sober / abstinent.
Many of us sought answers but failed to find any workable solution until we found each other. Once we identify ourselves as addicts, help becomes possible. We can see a little of ourselves in every addict and a little bit of them in us.
This insight lets us help one another. Our futures seemed hopeless until we found sober addicts who were willing to share with us. Denial of our addiction was what had kept us sick, and our honest admission enabled us to stop acting-out.
The only alternatives to recovery are jails, institutions, dereliction and death. Unfortunately, our disease makes us deny our addiction. If you are an addict, you too can find a new way of life through the 12-Step program.
We have become very grateful in the course of our recovery. Our lives have become useful, through abstinence and by working the Twelve Steps.
We realize that we are never cured and carry the disease within us all our lives.
We are addicts, who meet regularly together. We make use of the tools that have worked for other recovering addicts who have learned to live a healthy sexual life.
The Twelve Steps are positive tools that make recovery possible. Our primary purpose is to stay sober and to carry the message to the addict who still suffers. We are united by our common problem of addiction. By meeting, talking with, and helping other addicts, we are able to stay sober.
The newcomer is the most important person at any meeting because we can only keep what we have by giving it away.
Our message of recovery is based on our own experience. Before coming to the fellowship, we exhausted ourselves trying to control and limit our addictive sexual behaviors. After coming to a 12-Steps fellowship, we found ourselves among a very special group of people who have suffered like us and found recovery.
In their experiences, freely shared, we found hope for ourselves. If the Program worked for them, it would work for us.
The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop addictive sexual behaviors. We have seen the Program work for any addict who honestly and sincerely wants to stop.
We are men and women who have discovered and admitted that we are powerless over our addiction.
The Program works a miracle in our lives. We become different people. The steps and abstinence give us a daily reprieve from our self-imposed life sentences. We become free to live.
In accordance with the principles of recovery, we try not to judge, stereotype or moralize with each other.
Our meetings are a process of identification, hope and sharing.
A meeting is two or more addicts gathered together to help each other to stop compulsive sexual behavior.
Some meetings have speakers, topic discussions or both.
We are fully self-supporting through voluntary contributions from our members. Regardless of where the meeting takes place, we remain unaffiliated. Meetings provide us with a place to be with fellow addicts.
All we need are two addicts, caring and sharing, to make a meeting.
We let new ideas flow into us. We ask questions.
Though the principles of the Twelve Steps may seem strange to us at first, the most important thing about them is that they work. Our Program is, in fact, a way of life. We learn the value of such spiritual principles as surrender, humility and service.
We find that our lives steadily improve, if we maintain our abstinence and work the Twelve Steps to sustain our recovery. Living this Program gives us a relationship with a Power greater than ourselves, corrects defects, leads us to help others, and where there has been wrong, teaches us the spirit of forgiveness.
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Before coming to the 12-Steps Fellowship, we could not manage our own lives. We could not live and enjoy life as other people do.
Through our inability to accept personal responsibilities we were actually creating our own problem.
Some of us sought help through religion but it was insufficient for us.
Our disease always resurfaced or continued to progress until in desperation, we sought help from each other in the Fellowship.
We realized we were sick people. We suffered from a disease from which there is no known cure. It can, however, be arrested at some point, and recovery is then possible.
We are addicts seeking recovery. We acting-out to cover up our feelings.
We hurt the ones we loved. We did all these things and told ourselves, "We can handle it". We were looking for a way out.
The progression of the disease was not apparent to us. We continued on the path of destruction, unaware of where it was leading us.
We were addicts and did not know it. Through sexual acting-out we tried to avoid reality, pain and misery. When we reached the sexual high, we realized that we still had the same problems and that they were becoming worse.
We sought relief by acting-out again and again, more often and taking more risks.
Some of us sought an answer through churches, religions or cultism. Some sought a cure by geographic change, blaming our surroundings and living situations for our problems.
This attempt only gave us a chance to take advantage of new people.
Regardless of what we tried, we could not escape from our disease.
We reached a point in our lives where we felt like a lost cause.
We didn't know what to do. As the self-loathing grew, we needed to act-out more and more to mask our feelings. We were sick and tired of pain and trouble.
Perhaps the most painful of all was the desperation of loneliness. Isolation and the denial of our addiction kept us moving along this downhill path. Any hope of getting better disappeared.
Helplessness, emptiness and fear became our way of life.
Personality change was what we really needed. Change from self-destructive patterns of life became necessary. When we lied, cheated, we degraded ourselves in our own eyes. We had had enough of self-destruction. We experienced how powerless we really are. When nothing relieved our paranoia and fear, we hit bottom and became ready to ask for help.
We came to our first meeting in defeat and didn't know what to expect. After sitting in a meeting, or several meetings, we began to feel that people cared and were willing to help.
The people in the Fellowship gave us hope by insisting we could recover. We found that no matter what our past thoughts or actions were, others had felt and done the same. Surrounded by fellow addicts, we realized that we were not alone. Recovery is what happens in our meetings; each of our lives is at stake. We found that by putting recovery first, the Program works.
We faced three disturbing realizations:
The ultimate weapon for recovery is the recovering addict. We concentrate on recovery and how we feel, not what we have done in the past.
When we realized we are not able to manage on our own, some of us immediately began experiencing depression, anxiety, hostility and resentment.
We found that we suffered from a disease, not a moral dilemma. We were ill, not hopelessly bad. Our disease can only be arrested through abstinence.
Today we experience a full range of feelings. Before coming into the fellowship, we either felt elated or depressed with very little in between. Our negative sense of self has been replaced by a positive concern for others. Answers are provided and problems are solved.
What a change from the way we used to be! That's how we know that the program works.
We find a sense of self-worth. We learn self-respect. This is a program for doing just those things. By working the steps, we come to accept a Higher Power's will; this acceptance leads us to recovery. We lose our fear of the unknown. We are set free.
We didn't become addicted in one day, so remember - EASY DOES IT.
We feel that our way is practical, for one addict can best understand and help another addict.
These are some of the questions we have asked ourselves:
We tried to keep other people from knowing about our pain. We isolated ourselves, and lived in prisons built out of our loneliness.
Our only hope is to live by the example of those who have faced our dilemma, and have found a way out.
Our addiction gives us a common ground for understanding one another.
As a result of attending a few meetings, we begin to feel like we finally belong. It is in these meetings that we are introduced to the Twelve Steps. We learn to work them in the order they are written and to use them on a daily basis. The steps are our solution. They are our survival kit. They are our defense, for addiction is a deadly disease. Our steps are the principles that make our recovery possible.
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