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emphasize the use of nonjudgmental language that won't sound critical or blaming.
If the spouse states, "You never pay any attention to me because you're always on that damn computer," the receiver will perceive it as an attack and act defensively.
As is common practice, the use of "I" statements allows for open communication of feelings in a nonjudgmental manner.
Rephrase statements into non-blaming language. For example, the prior statement could be rephrased as, "I feel neglected when you spend long nights on the computer" or "I feel rejected when you say you don't want to make love with me."
Stay focused on the present experience and avoid the use of negative trigger words such as "always," "never," "should," or "must," that sound inflexible and invite heated rebuttal.
Listen fully and respectfully.
Many spouses explain that they never sought cyberaffairs but found the process happening too fast for them to see and understand. Underneath, they may be feeling guilty and truly wish to stop. Or, the cyberflings may have stirred up their own resentments about the pain over what's been missing for them in your marriage.
If the offending partner tries to explain their motives for the affair, it is important to help the other partner suspend feelings of betrayal or loss of trust and listen to these explanations as openly as possible to maximize communication.
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