Safe and Unsafe People

Charles Whitfield's book "A Gift to Myself"

Any of us could name people who are hard to get along with. There are personality types that just rub us the wrong way. The characteristics listed below could describe someone like that.

However, when you think about “safe” or “unsafe” people, it takes on a deeper meaning than someone who just irritates the fool out of you.

No one is immune to making bad decisions or behaving in a way that is unhealthy. (I know there are folks who think they are above that . . . oops, I digress. That is another subject). Some of us have trouble maintaining a reasonable healthy life (healthy here means emotional, spiritual and physical), therefore, it is important that we hang around people who are safe - people who enhance our healthy choices, not those who contribute to unhealthy decisions.

Safe People

Listen to you. They will let you say what you want to say without giving you a bunch of “shoulds, oughts and do´s and don´ts.” They will let you feel what you really feel without a sermon. They will accept you where you are at that particular time without passing judgment on you.
Hear you. When a person really “hears” another person, it´s as if they heard more than words but feelings also. They don´t have to even understand it all but you know they heard you.
Make eye contact. Eye contact is important. I know that some cultures avoid it but generally it is a behavior that shows support, attention and importance.
Validate the real you. They will not shame you for your struggle or feelings.
Are real with you. They do not pretend to be something they are not. They do not try to be “high-and-mighty” even if they have not experienced what you have.
Boundaries are appropriate and clear. They don´t meddle where you don´t want them. They respect your time and space. They don´t try to take over your life.
Speak clearly. They don´t beat around the bush. They speak with tact and to the point.
Are supportive and loyal. Safe people will be the same behind your back as they are to your face.
Have an authentic relationship with you. They are not plastic and pretending in any form. They are caring out of real concern not because it is the nice, polite thing to do.

Some Characteristics of Safe and Unsafe People

Safe	Unsafe
Listen to you	Don't Listen
Hear you	Don't hear
Make eye contact	No eye contact
Accept the real you	Reject the real you
Validate the real you	Invalidate the real you
Non-judgmental	Judgmental
Are real with you	False with you
Clear	Unclear
Boundaries appropriate and clear	Boundaries unclear, messages mixed
Direct	Indirect
No Triangles	Triangle - in others
Supportive	Competitive
Loyal	Betray
Relationships authentic	Relationship feels contrived

Not all of these characteristics are absolute. For example, some people who make eye contact, listen to you and are supportive may still be unsafe. And a safe person may be unclear at times. However, over time, these characteristics and others may be helpful in differentiating who is safe and who is unsafe.

Have you met anyone who feels safe to you?

Do you know anyone now who feels safe?

Safe People in My Life

From My Past

In My Present