Sobriety - Main Page

Sexual sobriety - how does a sex addict define sobriety?

Sobriety is defined as abstinence from the sexual activities which cause the addict to feel shameful, hold secrets or which are illegal or abusive.

In order for addiction recovery to take place, there must be a bottom line definition of sobriety.

Sobriety definitions - examples:

Sex Addict: "I am sober as long as I do not have sex in a public place, use pornography, see prostitutes."
Sex and Love Addict: "I am sober as long as I do not engage in flirtation, intrigue or sexual seduction with strangers or have sexual or romantic liaisons with anyone I have dated for at least 90 days prior to sex."

For the recovering sexual addict sobriety can be challenging to define.

Unlike sobriety from the use of substances, sexual sobriety is rarely considered to be complete abstinence from sex, although at times recovering persons may use complete sexual abstinence (celibacy) for periods of time while gaining personal perspective or addressing a particular issue.

Sexual sobriety is most often defined through the use of a "sobriety contract" (other names "contract" or "sex plan") between the sex addict and his sponsor and the therapist.

The term sobriety involves clarity of mind. Sobriety is about making sexual choices. In compulsion and addiction, sex addict is driven and compelled into sexual behavior.

Sobriety is the return of choice, sanity, and personal dignity which comes from working the program of recovery.

Sobriety - definition by Sexaholics Anonymous

"Sexual sobriety for sexaholics of our type means no sex with ourselves and no sex with any partner other than the spouse.

In SA’s sobriety definition, the term “spouse” refers to one’s partner in a marriage between a man and a woman.

Sexual sobriety also means progressive freedom from the many forms of sexual thinking and stimulation and lust that enter our lives."

Goals

Example1

Sobriety = Living a life that encompasses these Goals.

to have healthy relationships with God, with myself and with other people;
to be able to have sex with self and others, as an expression of love for myself and other people, that affirms and cherishes the selfhood of both myself and of others as gifts of God;
to learn healthy boundaries in relationship with self and others, and learn how to enforce them in a way that is healthy for me;
to learn how to deal with stress in a positive way;
to be able to live out my Program and always grow in recovery;
to be able to share the Program with others, and sponsor others as HP presents the opportunity to do so;
to be able to take care of my responsibilities and commitments to others or myself.

Ex2

To be able to have sex as an expression of love for myself and another person, instead of an act to cover up other feelings.
To learn healthy boundaries and learn how to enforce them in a way that is healthy for me.
To learn how to deal with stress in a positive way.
To be able to live out my Program and always grow in recovery.
To be able to share the Program with others.
To be able to sponsor others when the appropriate time comes.

Ex3 - What staying sober does to my life:

Staying sober allows me to live with a clearer conscious before God.
I will no longer want to avoid Him and the relationship will grow stronger and stronger. I will find it easier to pray, read the Bible, and worship. When I do these things, my whole life will improve. I will be able to talk to others about God without feeling like a hypocrite who is bringing dishonor to God's name by calling myself a Christian.
Staying sober makes me feel happy.
Instead of having to look back with regret, I am able to look back and feel like I did the right thing. Feelings of self-hatred, self-pity and confusion will eventually fade away.
Staying sober takes away the need for lies and secrets.
When I am sober I no longer have to feel like I am living a double life. It allows me to live with more self-respect and integrity.

Ex

Staying sober allows me to develop greater friendships because I will no longer have to live in fear of the other person finding out about my secret life.
Staying sober allows me to be at greater peace with others and myself. It teaches me to have more respect for human life.
Staying sober gives me hope for the future.
Staying sober makes me stronger.
Each time I resist temptation I am strengthening my ability to do so. Eventually saying no will become much easier.
Staying sober brings THE PROMISES.
“If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. — Are these extravagant promises? We think not! They are being fulfilled among us. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize IF WE WORK FOR THEM!” (Big Book - Alcoholics Anonymous)

Ex

Experience and work through feelings rather than escaping or medicate them.
Have a healthy emotional and physical relationship with my partner.
To increase intimacy with myself and my partner.
To have a constant, ever-growing relationship with God.
To become a sponsor.
Work the 12 steps and incorporate these into my daily life.
Learn to accept myself as I am, and others as they are.
To enjoy living life without fear of myself .
To release my anger.
To be an honest man at all times.
To forgive myself and others.