Help for Sponsors - Main Page

Back to main page

Introduction

Who is a Sponsor / Types of Sponsors

Choosing a Sponsor

Sponsorship - FAQ

Who qualifies as a Sponsor?

Do I need a Sponsor?

Being a Sponsor

Working the steps

Tips for Sponsors

Tools for: Sponsors, Sponsee

Tips for Sponsee

How do I choose a Sponsor?

Books and Other Helpful Resources about Sponsorship

Intergroup Recommendations

FAQ

 Sponsorship contract

Introduction

Sponsorship is acting out the slogan, “To keep it, you have to give it away.”

We need sponsors and other recovering addicts to guide us through the steps of the program.

The beginning of the Sponsor / Sponsee relationship

Recovery is most likely in a partnership with another sex addict (isolation is one of the hallmarks of this disease).

With our sponsor, we learn to become honest and open, asking for support, and guidance in our lives. 

Gradually we become more able to be vulnerable and open with our sponsor.

A sponsor shares his own experience and feelings from having been in situations similar to ours.

By listening, a sponsor supports the sponsee without trying to "fix" him, and offers understanding without judgment.

As part of the surrender process, we admit the our weaknesses as individuals. We ask others for help, our 12 steps sponsor, other members in the recovery program, therapist, etc.

Acting as sponsors for other sex addicts helps us to see our own mistakes from the past and aides our program of recovery. Long term sobriety is only possible when we are sponsoring others.

What does a Sponsor do?

Sponsors is actively working Step Twelve as well as Tradition Five.

"Working the program" may have as many meanings as there are members working the program, but a common factor appears to be working the Twelve Steps.

Members who are sober and are available for Sponsorship are "giving away" what has been given to them: tools of recovery.

These tools are many and have been useful to helping a Sponsor stay sober in their recovery.

One of these tools is making a daily or regular call to a Sponsor.
Our sex addiction kept us in isolation for so long that to call another person was to go against years of habit and conditioning, but regular contact with a Sponsor helped us to cultivate connecting with other people in the program. This exercise in regularly picking up the phone and eventually memorizing our Sponsor's phone number proved lifesaving when we found ourselves being dangerously triggered or having slippery thoughts or behaviors that could compromise our newfound sobriety.

There are many other tools of recovery that a Sponsor will pass on to their Sponsee. All we need to do is keep coming back not only to meetings but also to our Sponsor. They will pass on the most effective way to work for our sobriety in SAA: working the Twelve Steps.

Our Sponsor shows us how they have worked the Twelve Steps and how they themselves have stayed sexually sober. This is giving what they have, nothing more, nothing less.

What does a Sponsor not do?

To be certain, a Sponsor does not get you sober. We alone are responsible for our work in our own sobriety, and we work for that one day at a time. Our Sponsor cannot make us go to meetings or work the Twelve Steps. That decision is ours to make and act on because the consequences of our decision are ours to live with, not the Sponsor's.

On a more practical level, a Sponsor does not take advantage of the Sponsee by asking for money, employment, housing, or a relationship. The Sponsor's role is simply to guide the Sponsee in recovery by sharing the tools they have been given by their own Sponsor. If you feel that a Sponsor is taking advantage of you, you have the right to end the Sponsorship and get another Sponsor even if it is a temporary Sponsor.

http://www.sexaa.org/pbr.htm 

• Shows by present example and addiction history what SAA has meant in the sponsor’s life.

• Encourages and helps the newcomer to attend a variety of SAA meetings -- to get a number of viewpoints and interpretations of the SAA program.

• Suggests keeping an open mind about SAA if the newcomer isn’t sure at first whether he or she is a sex addict.

• Introduces the newcomer to other members, particularly to those who may share the new person’s occupational or social interests.

• Sees that the newcomer is aware of SAA literature and offers to discuss it.

• Is available to the newcomer for regular telephone contact.

• Goes over the meaning of the Twelve Steps, emphasizes their importance and guides the newcomer in working them.

• Urges the newcomer to join in SAA activities as soon as possible.

• Impresses upon the newcomer the importance of all our Traditions.

• Tries to give the newcomer some picture of the scope of SAA, including the worldwide availability of SAA and the other fellowships.

• Explains the program to relatives of the sex addict, if this appears to be useful, and tells them about Co-dependents of Sex Addicts (COSA).

• Encourages the newcomer to obtain professional help (such as medical, legal, or vocational) if assistance outside the scope of SAA is needed.

• Quickly admits, “I don’t know” when that is the case, and helps the newcomer find a good source of information.

• Finally, the sponsor encourages the newcomer to work with other sex addicts as soon as possible, and begins by including the newcomer in reaching out to other newcomers.

WHAT A SPONSOR DOES NOT DO

• DOES NOT provide sex addiction, family or marital counseling for the newcomer and/or the family.
• DOES NOT impose his/her personal views, including religious or spiritual views, onto a newcomer.
• DOES NOT demand that the newcomer work the program the same way the sponsor does.
• DOES NOT interfere with medical decisions, especially concerns about prescribed medications.
• DOES NOT take the newcomer’s inventory except when asked.
• DOES NOT lend money to the newcomer.
• DOES NOT force a specific interpretation of SAA upon the newcomer.
• Male sponsors DO NOT sponsor female newcomers - female sponsors DO NOT sponsor male newcomers, except where sexual orientation makes this the safest relationship.

What is expected of me, the Sponsee?

One day at a time

This will vary and depend on the Sponsor and what their requirements are for Sponsoring other members. Most Sponsors require prospective Sponsees to work the Steps or there can be no Sponsorship. This is a way that Sponsors can work with Sponsees who are willing to do the work of recovery.

Again, we alone are responsible for the work we do in our recovery. What we put into our recovery is what we get out of it. We suggest, though, that you ask a potential Sponsor what is expected of their Sponsee.

Your Sponsor expects from you (Sponsee)

1) Work the steps. By this I mean written work on a weekly basis.

2) Listen to me.

By this I mean listen, not obey. I don't believe in giving advice because I do not know what is best for you (or anyone). From time to time, I may see things that you may miss. Its tough for anyone to be objective about himself/herself, so part of my job is to

alert you to trends I see. It is my job to help you see your options before making program or other major decisions. Implicit in this requirement is that you:

• discuss with me the difficulties you face in all areas of your life (work, relationships,etc.)
• discuss significant choices with me prior to making major decisions
• be rigorously honest with me

3) Meet with me (alone) once a week to discuss your progress with the steps and what's going on for you.

When do you qualify as a Sponsor?

Do I qualify as a Sponsor?

It depends on the maturity of your Twelve Step Group:

1) Mature Group

2) Most of the folks in the group are not sober.

Can I be a Sponsor?

Any minimum requirements.

Being sober for ____ months
Completing step number ________ .

Do I need a Sponsor?

I have books, meetings and make phone calls - why do I need a Sponsor? 

So, why do we need a Sponsor/mentor? 

Working with a Sponsor helps to "center" the addicts.

• ACCOUNTABILITY - Having another man in my life who knows enough about me to ask the hard questions has been a vital dimension of my personal walk of recovery. To be honest about it, there are times when I've actually walked away from temptation more because I did not want to be embarrassed by confessing it to a Sponsor, than because it was the right or best thing to do.
• PRIDE - Ego, grandiosity, and self-centeredness are all issues with recovering people. The Bible is full of admonitions about this - "Pride goes before a fall, and God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble, etc." Ultimately, a Sponsor helps me to keep from getting trapped by my own false sense of "powerfulness" and keeps me in reality (which is another word for "humility").
• HONESTY - It's really easy to fool others, and even myself. I've learned how to look really good outwardly, while I'm doing terribly inwardly. 
  If I've been open with my Sponsor about my personal issues, he will hold me accountable and "nail me" when I've slipped into dishonesty. No one with a clear conscience ever relapses.
• OBJECTIVITY - "Stinking thinking" is a real trap.
  Having a person committed to being a "sounding board" for me gives me someone who can say stuff like,
  "I don't think you are perceiving that correctly"
  or
  "Have you considered this might be what's really going on?"
  This is especially helpful in the always difficult area of relationships in which most recovering people struggle.
• ENCOURAGEMENT - I find I am apt to get down on myself at times, often because of things over which I have little or no control. Having an objective, supportive person who understands the process of recovery helps me keep a healthy perspective on things. Usually, I find I'm doing better than I might think. And, even when I'm not doing so well, my Sponsors have provided the hope and support I've needed to move forward and do the often difficult things that are necessary to keep growing.

Do not choose as a Sponsor your spouse

Your spouse (or other family member) has some "vested interest" in how we behave or how well we do in our lives. It's hard for these folks to be very objective. So, we need someone outside of our primary family, work, etc. relationships who doesn't have as much at stake to help us to steer a clear course.

Can I let my spouse to enter the password in the web filtering software?

Being a Sponsor

 Sponsorship expectations:

• ethics
• confidentiality
• mutual honesty
• working the steps
• Sponsor availability
• frequency of contact
• Sponsor replacement
• spirituality

Working the steps

Why the steps are "suggested"?

What it means to work the steps?

Timing of steps?

Step study?

Working Step One...

Tips For Sponsors

Tips For Sponsors

• Don't do service work only when it is convenient. Do it every day because every day there is someone in need.
• Be of maximum help to others.
• Take the gift you have been given by the grace of God and share it with someone who is still suffering.
• Do not bully your Sponsee or in any way think that you are "holier than thou."
  Share honestly.
• Be a good listener.
• Don't try to teach your Sponsee everything. Allow them to learn on their own too. Learned lessons tend to "stick."
• Keep an open mind. You just might learn something from your Sponsee.
• Tips For Sponsees
• Call your Sponsor every day -- not just when it is convenient or when you are white knuckling it.
• Keep an open mind. You just might learn something from your Sponsor.
• Don't work on your recovery just enough to get by or just enough to keep your Sponsor happy. You only get out as much as you put in to recovery.
• Share honestly.
• Be a good listener.
• There is a Sponsor available for everyone. It takes time to find one who is a "good fit."
• There is nothing you can do to keep your Christian recovery friends from loving you.

DO's and DON'Ts:

Tools for Sponsors

Use "A Gentle Path through the Twelve Steps" - Patrick Carnes.

Sample questions for the First Step and Fourth Step ("to do").

Tips for Sponsees

• Find a Sponsor or temporary Sponsor as soon as possible (A Sponsor/recovery partner is someone who guides you through the 12 Steps).
• Call your Sponsor every day -- not just when it is convenient or when you are white knuckling it
• Keep an open mind. You just might learn something from your Sponsor.
• Don't work on your recovery just enough to get by or just enough to keep your Sponsor happy. You only get out as much as you put in to recovery.
• Share honestly
• Be a good listener
• There is a Sponsor available for everyone. It takes time to find one who is a "good fit"
• Set up a definite time to meet with Sponsors on a regular basis (weekly initially, than on a bi-weekly basis)

How to choose a Sponsor?

• Look for someone who seems to be growing and is solid in his/her personal program of recovery. This must be a person you trust enough to really trust to open up to. In other words, you must believe they will keep what you share on a confidential basis
• The best Sponsors are people who are good listeners. They are nonjudgmental encouragers who purposefully make themselves available when we need them.
• He has what you want, lives in the solution, walks the talk
• He has a Sponsor himself
• He emphasizes steps and spiritual aspects of the program
• Has more time in recovery than you do
• He worked more steps than you did
• Is available for phone calls and meetings
• Gender is the same as yours

Books about Sponsorship

1) Twelve Step Sponsorship: How It Works, by Hamilton B.

2) If You Want What We Have   

3) The Soul of Sponsorship   

4) The Golden Book of Sponsorship   

5) A Sponsorship Guide for 12-Step Programs

Recommendations for the 12 steps group

Create a list of Long Distance Sponsors  

Not all groups use the " Sponsor reading" - advice to incorporate into the meeting script (example:...)

Twelve Steps of a Sponsor (Anonymous)

1. I will not help you stay and wallow in limbo.
2. I will help you to grow, to become more productive, by your definition.
3. I will help you become more autonomous, more loving of yourself, more excited, less sensitive, more free to continue becoming the authority for your own living.
4. I cannot give you dreams or “fix you up,” simply because I cannot.
5. I cannot give you growth, or grow for you. You must grow yourself, by facing reality, grim as it may be at times.
6. I cannot take away your loneliness or pain.
7. I cannot sense your world for you, evaluate your goals for you, or tell you what is best for you in your world, for you have your own world.
8. I cannot convince you of the crucial choice of choosing the scary uncertainty of growing, over the safe misery of not growing.
9. I want to be with you and know you as a rich and growing friend; yet I cannot get close to you when YOU choose not to GROW.
10. When I begin to care for you out of pity, when I begin to lose trust in you, then I am toxic and bad, inhibiting for you, and you for me.
11. You MUST know — my helping is conditional; I will be with you, I will hang in there with you, as long as I continue to get even the slightest hints that you are willing and still trying to GROW.
12. If you can accept all of this, then perhaps we can help each other to become what HP meant us to be — mature adults — leaving childishness forever to the little children.

Last update: Monday, March 05, 2007.  Feedback - send an email to: